Right Now...

...all I can do is obsess over Bean.

There are certain signs I'm seeing that indicate her quality of life is declining.

And the docs told me she won't get any better. There's no "cure" for her. There's no "fixing" her.

Oh, she still gets around, but slowly.

She drinks water.

But she's still puking a great deal. She strains to poopy and isn't always successful.

I'd psyched myself up to take her in this morning and let her go, but when I woke up and there she was on the bed right next to me, my heart melted (along with my resolve).

I cried and cried and Joe came scurrying in from the porch, thinking I'd woken up and found her dead.

:sigh:

I know which office I want to take her to if it is time to let her go. Problem is, they aren't open on Sundays. And they close at 1pm on Saturday.

I keep reminding myself she's only going to get worse, not better, and if I let her go, I'm sparing her further suffering.

But I just can't make myself take her in.

Maybe I Was Right...

...when I strove to walk away from the New Age world.

This article bespeaks of things I've long thought, although I don't go quite so far as being a "skeptic" or "atheist" (which I think is what this writer means by "skeptic"). These paragraphs in particular really blew my mind:

One of the biggest falsehoods I've encountered is that skeptics can't tolerate mystery, while New Age people can. This is completely wrong, because it is actually the people in my culture who can't handle mystery - not even a tiny bit of it. Everything in my New Age culture comes complete with an answer, a reason, and a source. Every action, emotion, health symptom, dream, accident, birth, death, or idea here has a direct link to the influence of the stars, chi, past lives, ancestors, energy fields, interdimensional beings, enneagrams, devas, fairies, spirit guides, angels, aliens, karma, God, or the Goddess.

We love to say that we embrace mystery in the New Age culture, but that's a cultural conceit and it's utterly wrong. In actual fact, we have no tolerance whatsoever for mystery. Everything from the smallest individual action to the largest movements in the evolution of the planet has a specific metaphysical or mystical cause. In my opinion, this incapacity to tolerate mystery is a direct result of my culture's disavowal of the intellect. One of the most frightening things about attaining the capacity to think skeptically and critically is that so many things don't have clear answers. Critical thinkers and skeptics don't create answers just to manage their anxiety.

I could have written that. I really could have written that.

But there's really no point in bringing it up to anyone in that world; they won't listen.

Here is another article that shows how crazy and weird things get in the New Age or New Thought world.

Joe's response to that was quite funny. I emailed the article to him and he responded thus:

I wonder how much of that kind of talk he uses when he calls tech support when his computer breaks down?

TECH SUPPORT: Hello, tech support, can I help you?
URBAN SCOUT: Data goneing.
TECH SUPPORT: What? Huh?
URBAN SCOUT: Data goneing. Computer unworking.
TECH SUPPORT: Do you need assistance with your computer?
URBAN SCOUT: Screen die, keyboard melt.
TECH SUPPORT: *click* dialtone

:gigglesnort:

Odd as it is, here is another article that does talk about the flakiness of the New Age or Age of Aquarius; the section at the end of the article talks about this.

Am I a conservative?

Well, that depends on how one defines that word and in what context it is being used. Maybe the query should be "who do YOU say I am?"

:wink:

Nah, at least not the kind of conservative that seeks to demonize gay people, etc. I have no interest in playing those kind of reindeer games.

However, for all that I was considering diving into RCIA, I don't think I can be a Roman Catholic. Maybe I really WAS right when I stumbled upon TEC.

Corny as it sounds, there are times when I feel such huge relief when I ponder the grace Christ offers. I don't have to worry about anything any more - about interpreting the cards right, about what crystals to use, what chants, what colors, what does this or that rune mean, what's the Rede all about, what's a Wiccan or a Witch, the prominence of the Divine Feminine, silly Craft names, pretentious people running around in black, etc etc etc.

Here's the problem though: I re-upped my membership in the WRCF. Maybe I should not have done so after all. And Joe wants to attend Moon Circle this weekend. Oh dear. What do I do about that? He will want me in the circle with him, and I love that he is so attached to me that he doesn't feel complete doing things like that without me...but if I wish to walk Episcopalian, this is something I just should not do. I should just find a picnic table and sit there and read while he does Moon Circle. But he won't want to do it at all without me.

We just HATE being apart! Even for an hour!! It's just that awful to us!!

But I plan to let my UU membership lapse and if I hang out with the Grovers again, it will be just as a friend.

And I keep swearing up and down that I've got to do this, but I haven't screwed up the courage to do so yet: I have got to return to Mass. And not only do I have to return to Mass, but I should go through with confirmation.

I really hope they can forgive me for being gone so long.

Sometimes I think "I make a really crappy Christian" but then I tell myself "you need to quit being so hung up on labels!"

I am me, a beloved child of God, and that's all I need to be.

Joe's Birthday

On 8 June, Joe marked his 42nd birthday. We went out to EPCOT and spent the day wandering about. My feet are still killing me.

Much in the park has changed, and not all of it for the better. It's been cheezed up for the wee little kids. I'm not a wee little kid kind of person.

I'm hoping that Christ still hasn't given up on me.

I must always remember: he was recognized in the breaking of the bread.

Moved In!

Moved in. Getting settled. Need to bring over my furniture from storage.

Keeping an eye on little Bean, who has cancer. She won't get to enjoy the new place very much, and that sucks.

:sigh:

But she's having good days so far.

Still evaluating where I belong in life. Having something of a moment of doubt in faith.

:ponders:

I find it really frustrating, that I can't be an everything. I don't see why the West insists that a person can have only one path in life. (Tonight was Ritual Studies class - sorta like Liturgy 101 for Pagans.)

Meh.

This Move...

...is stressing me out.

I've been up since, what, 2am?

I do wish we'd planned this better. This is not good.

I want to take today off to get things done. I've reserved a U-Haul, because I think we ARE going to need it.

Maybe what I can do is go in to work this morning and not swipe in with my timecard - then ask Mike and Lawander if it's ok if I just take the day off because we sort of miscalculated some things. It should be all right. Then I'll just leave and write the day off as PTO.

I'll have Joe wait in the lobby for me until we get this worked out.

In other news, I've pretty much decided that Jim P. over on another blog site is one of those toxic people that I need to avoid like the plague. Personally, I think his so-called "ministry" is more a case of him enjoying hearing himself talk. I also think it is very strongly ego-driven; I think he wants people to worship HIM and how HE brought people to Christ. "Oh, Jim, if it wasn't for you, I would never have found Jesus! Thank you, Jim!" and they fall all over themselves praising HIM instead of Jesus Christ.

This is one of the dangers of the charismatic, evangelical thing. One starts to associate emotional highs with grace. If one gets into that and then somehow has a low moment, one thinks "oh no, I've lost it, God has forsaken me" and one panicks. At this point, this is when someone becomes vulnerable to doing really weird crap, like drugs or various forms of abuse or drink or porn or whatever. It's trying to fill that perceived void.

:ponders:

Also....

I don't think I'm going to run for a Mystic Grove office this year. I'm feeling too happy doing non-MG things and I just feel like I'm moving on in my spiritual life.

I must admit though, that while I do wish to return to Mass at St. R's, I'm a wee bit wary because of the whole tithing thing. I noticed that the UUs are feeling the economic pinch, and so they are now pinching members all the harder for pledges.

I think other churches are going through the same thing, and I am pinched myself. And never mind the fact that Joe and I are moving into this bigger apartment and thus taking on higher rent.

I just don't know if I can make that kind of financial commitment right now.

And would I be turned away if I just can't?

I'm not sure how this works.

It's not that I don't realize that a church building needs it. It clearly does need it. But I'm one broke-ass redhead!

I must admit this is one of the reasons why I do like the Church of the Larger Fellowship that the UUs have; it is "correspondence church." Lower overhead. One's pledge does not have to be as high when the money isn't supporting a physical structure.

:grin:

3.32am. Wow. What the FUCK am I doing up at this hour??

Blogging.

See, NOW I'm starting to feel sleepy enough to lay down, but my alarm will be going off at 5. I might as well just stay up! I'm not one who falls directly to sleep as soon as I'm horizontal. Joe can do it, however. Me, I'm a complete worry wart. I lie there and stew about things. Grrrr. It takes me forever to drop off to sleep.

I swear as soon as this move is over, I'm taking a 3 day weekend, drinking an entire bottle of NyQuil, and sleeping my ass off.

A Wee Reminder

Sometimes I need a reminder that there are all kinds of different flavors of being Christian (whatever that even is) and I can be my own flavor.

Bobby McFerrin does Ave Maria

I'm going to make some adjustments to the HTML here so I removed the scrolling box on the sidebar.

Part of the reason I did so was because the music playing interferes with videos I post, like this one of Bobby McFerrin doing a very unique version of Ave Maria live:

I think it's awesome.